Going loopy

I am driving myself insane. In the last two weeks, I have transformed from a relatively together, completely grounded, straight-down-the-line person into a complete nut-job. And all because of one stupid boy.

I knew it was a mistake as soon as I gave him my number. In fact, I was suspicious as soon as he even began talking to me at the bar. He was handsome, he was funny, and he was chatting ME up. Something had to be wrong. But then, well he kissed me, and everything got all messed up, didn’t it? There was that sudden feeling of impending doom coupled with a delicious trembling in my legs that I knew spelled trouble…of the completely irresistible kind.

‘Maybe this one would be different;’ I told myself. Maybe he’d be nice to me. He certainly seemed nice when he took my number, and offered to take me out the following week. He seemed nice when he told my friends he’d definitely see them soon. And he seemed more than nice when he told me to stop playing it cool and insisted I take his number. So after spending the whole night on cloud nine, I spent the next three days freaking out because he hadn't texted or called.

By Tuesday night, I couldn’t take it anymore. The three-day rule period had come and gone, I was a bit pissed (shocker!) and totally fed up of his number taunting me from within my phone, so I texted him with some hilarious joke (well it seemed it at the time) about him obviously having been abducted by aliens. Miraculously, he texted back right away, suggesting we go out the following night. As it happened, I was already going to a bar launch that night with a few friends but rather than postpone, I just invited him along with his mates. I figured more people, less pressure.Of course, when I actually got there, I was so nervous, I took it out on the white wine and can only vaguely remember him showing up. I think it was all very fun, I know we had a bit of a laugh, I definitely remember a goodbye kiss and his suggestion that next time we go out it just be the two of us. But then it all goes rather blurry.

By the time I got home. I was completely smashed. I crashed through the door, attempted to give my flatmate Dom a hug, promptly fell over then scooped myself up and went off in search of the phone, having decided it would be a great idea to call the troublesome boy. Unfortunately, he answered and even in my drunken state, I knew after speaking crap for five minutes, that it hadn’t gone well (it may have been Dom sitting shaking his head at me that gave this away).

Since then I’ve been caught in a really confusing cycle. He texts, I get excited, text back, then nothing. I get fed up, delete his number, then the next day he texts.I used to be so content in my own company and so involved in whatever I happened to be doing at the time, that if my phone rang or beeped, there was a 90% chance I wouldn’t even bother picking it up. Now, I so much as feel a vibration in the air and I leap for my phone. It’s exhausting.

I don’t know whether it’s a good sign that he’s still texting, or a bad sign that he hasn’t actually booked in the next date. Part of me thinks I’d be better just writing the whole thing off so I can go back to being a sane person again.The most ridiculous thing is I’m sure I used to be quite good at all this. Before I moved to London, there was generally always at least one boy that I had an ongoing text-flirtation with and it was great fun. But somehow in the last two years, I seem to have changed into an insecure, untrusting, emotional wreck. And who knew?

There’s been no men on the scene for so long, that I’ve been living under the ruse that I am totally clued-up, chilled out and nonchalant about the whole thing. I’ll even admit to being condescending to Carly when she has her weekly emotional breakdown as a result of some boy failing to text her, or worse, blatantly myspacing other girls and not her.Thank god, this one doesn’t have a myspace page or I’d really be in trouble. Googling him was bad enough. (Yes, googling him – we all do it, didn’t you know?).

Now don’t laugh but I’m sure I just felt my handbag vibrate. Hang on……yes, that was him. Replying many hours too late since my text message last night, which I’d promised myself was his last chance. And still no mention of a second date. Argh.

Right, I’m switching my phone off. Or maybe I should fling it in the Thames on the way home. But then Kieran wouldn’t be able to get in touch when he gets here on Thursday. Did I mention that? Yes, my email buddy from NY is coming to visit. Note to self: kissing boys gets me in trouble. Possibly even boys who live on the other side of an ocean.