Indecent exposure

I have just seen the most shocking thing - I feel slightly nauseous thinking about it again but I feel it is my duty to recount the experience here.

So I’m at my friend Jen’s house enjoying a few civilised drinks in the back garden with some of the girls, when what can only be described as a fucking mentalist joins the party. She’s a friend of a friend who is visiting for the night and before she even walks through the door I am warned that she’s a bit schizo - understatement of the century. You know those girls who are so insecure and desperate for approval that they’ll do anything for attention? Well here was possibly the most extreme example of one I’ve ever met. She was like a dog chasing its tail to get a treat from its master, only with possibly less developed social skills.

As soon as she arrived in a whirl of fake tan and bleach blonde hair, she halted conversation to tell a story about a date she’d been on where she’d caused a fight of such epic proportions that one poor guy ended up in a coma. Not getting quite the awed responses from us that she’d hoped for, she upped the ante by announcing that she’s just had her clit pierced: “Look…” she said whipping her trousers down before anyone had a chance to object or avert their gaze. “It goes through the hood and I am telling you, it make things sooooooo much better”.

This time she had me, I sat there stunned not knowing quite how to react to the spectacle of a woman I’d barely met displaying her private parts in all their Hollywood waxed baldness. Thankfully, by this time it was blessedly dark making the view a little less graphic than it might have been earlier…cue Lou: “I can’t see it,” she says, peering in for a closer look. “Here,” says Fliss, brandishing a lighter, “just as well you’re so bald down there or you could go up in smoke!”.

Morbid curiosity satisfied, we manage to convince our exhibitionist to pull her pants up, but no such luck getting her to sit down: “Can any of you do a crab from standing?” she asks, readying herself for a demonstration. “I can!” and with that her arms shoot up, and she falls backwards, smacking her head on the paving stones before righting herself . “See!” she exclaims proudly, arms and legs akimbo, fanny pointing skyward again. “Wow, that’s ace,” Jen manages while we all struggle to stifle our laughter, “your head okay though?” “Oh yeah, it’s fine, I do that all the time,” she answers. That explains a lot, I think, only just managing to keep myself from saying it out loud. The bash to the head does seem to shut her up for a while though so I decide to take the opportunity to escape before the next act starts.

As I’m walking out the front door, I hear her pipe up again: “Did you know I’m double jointed? Wanna see what I can do….”. Eh no, time for a sharp exit.